Investigation Time!
by Mr. Gumgumu
Summary: A one-shot that ties into "Onward, Into Another World!" In Ooo, New York, crime runs rampant. But, there is one shining light in the city of evil: Detective Finn Mertens. And when the police are unable to discover the culprit of a mysterious murder, Finn is the one to solve it!


It was a cold and rainy night. I just wanted to get this crazy jive over with and go home. I slipped past the policemen who were all crowded in the alleyway where the crime had happened. There was a sheet placed over the body, blood seeping through it.

The police had no clue how it happened; there was no signs of punching, kicking, or any sort of blunt object used on the victim. No bullet wounds. Nothing.

It was as if they had exploded from the inside out.

There was a murder; and I was determined to find out whodunit.

I called in my sleuth-hound, Jake. He sniffed the body all over the place, trying to find a scent trail or something. I don't know how a dog's nose works, and I won't ask. I just know that it's reliable, that it can get the job done.

Except this time. All Jake did was sniff in circles around the victim's bod. I snatched the sheet off the guy, revealing his yellow body, pointy nose, and nubby head. Maybe the sheet was blocking Jake's smell powers. He sniffed the victim, whose name I would later find out was Earl Lemongrab, again. It almost looked like Jake's face lit up, like he had really found something this time. But again he sniffed around in circles.

Without my noticing, a policeman had come up behind us. He tapped my shoulder and said with a gravelly and stupid voice, "Detective Mertens."

He startled me. I jumped a bit, and my instinct was to turn around and sock 'im one. But, I recognized the ever sweaty hand that was touching me. It was Bruno Cinnaman, but everybody who knew him called him Cinnamon Bun, on account of his being big-boned, and his love for that food. Although he is the only cop I trust, he's an idiot.

"What is it, Bun?" I asked. I was in no mood for his stupidity.

"The way we cops see it, there's only three people who could have pulled off a crime like this."

"By 'we cops'," I raised an eyebrow, "do you mean the entire force, or just yourself?"

"Dah..." he stuttered, "mostly just me. But I can help, look!" He showed me three files that he had in his hands, each with the profile of one of his potential killers. I took them, and flipped through them quickly. I didn't need to know these people's profiles. They were all far too well known.

The first was a crime-boss called Lumps, whose real name was Duncan King. A Penguin-esque type of villain, he runs a casino in the district of Ooo called Lumpy Space. He is known for three things- One, his mercilessness, even when it comes to his own crime family. Two, his extreme attachment to his wife, who never seems to be away from him. And three, his extremely annoying and spoiled daughter, affectionately named Princess.

The second was, unfortunately (yet expectedly), one of my closest friends, Marceline Abadeer. She only comes out a night, but loves to party until the morning. It was because of her that I almost lost my job after a big shindig in Cloud Town, home of the so-called "Party Gods." There has always been some kind of strange aura about her, but I could never put my tongue on it.

The third I did not (nor did the police) have much information on. Known only as Flambo, he is said to have connections in every crime family in Ooo, even the almost impossible to make friends with groups, like the King family. Unlike the others, there is no description of him (which would include information such as name, age, height, weight, etc.).

"Make copies of these and give them back to me as soon as you can," I commanded Cinnamon Bun. He took them back and saluted, and then walked back to his group. In the meantime, I decided to interrogate the suspects.

Lumps would be almost impossible to get to, so I would have to wait and catch him off guard in a grocery store or some other public place.

Instead, I would first talk to Marceline. I waited until the next day's sunset to make my move. I had been staking out near her house, waiting for her to come out. Never try to catch a possible perp on their own territory. Finally, she came outside of her dinky apartment. She wore a red tank top, and long gloves that ran all the way up her arms. She also was carrying her trademark umbrella, which she always seemed to have on her person.

I followed her, staying three car lengths behind (that's how it works, right?). When I decided the time was right, I got closer, quietly, grabbed her arms, and shoved her against a wall in an alleyway near our pal Bonnie's house.

Now, be warned. Marceline Abadeer is famous for her cheesy sexual innuendo.

"Hey, Marcy," I said, real cool-like.

"Oh, so you're finally ready to get rough?" she whispered, getting closer to my face.

I pushed her back against the wall. "I have a girlfriend, you chump," I said, sternly.

"Right, right. That little Flame family girl," she sighed. "So what do you want, Finn?"

Finn. She was one of the few people to call me by my real name, rather than "Detective Mertens." The only others are my family, my girlfriend, and Bonnie.

"How did you kill that man, the one with the nub-head?"

"The only nub-headed guy I know is Earl, and I just saw him a few days ago."

"Where? And when exactly?" I tried to pry the information out of her.

"Cool your jets, Finn," she chuckled. Yeah, chuckled. Marceline wasn't the kind of girl to giggle. "Why don't you come to me to this crazy party at that new nightclub, 'Nightosphere?' We can talk there."

"I have a feeling there won't be much talking there."

"Hey, maybe you're right. More moaning than talking," she hissed, rather seductively. She slipped next to me, brushing her hand against my face. As cheesy as this whole scenario was, I have to admit, I was tempted; there was no denying that Marceline was attractive. Hot, even. But, I'm a pure guy, you know? I can't cheat on my girlfriend.

"We're talking now, Marceline," I said, pretty angry sounding. She seemed taken aback by the fact that I didn't call her "Marcy."

"Tch! I don't have to say anything. You're not a cop."

I snatched her umbrella and growled, "Marceline."

"Give that back, Finn!" she yelled. She slapped me in the face, and slipped behind me again to grab the umbrella.

I rubbed my cheek meat, and groaned. "You've always been so slippery." I smiled a little bit.

She smirked. "You have no idea."

I sighed. "But for serious, Marcy," I said, my smile fading, "I need to know what you've got on this Earl guy."

"I don't have anything on him. We both don't quite care for Bonnie; that's really our only connection."

"Marcy, please. I know that you don't really hate her."

"I do! She's a spoiled little princess who thinks that she's perfect."

"Marcy, come on."

"And her personality, Glob! She thinks everything is bubble gum and sugar pops! The world has problems, but she thinks it'll all work out if we just sit back and let it happen! Passive-aggressive _donk_."

"Sugar pops?" I whispered. "I think you're just sour grapes because she quit being the manager of your band, and you really liked spending time with her."

"That's balderdash, baby." She walked away slowly, raising her foot high with every step. "If you want to have some fun, come see me at Nightosphere." With that, she turned the corner and was gone.  
And I let her go.

I didn't know anything about Flambo, so I decided to go for him next. But I had no idea where to look for him. I asked around, and a few people said he likes to hang around the docks, hiding between the crates, always ready to make some kind of shady deal. Obviously that would be the first place I would look for him.

I pulled up my trusty convertible,_ Jake II._ Stepping out like the lady-killer I am, I put on my sunglasses. At night.

Suddenly, I heard a lady, crying for help. I climb onto one of the crates, searching for the source of the yelling. I spotted her running from two hoodlums who were swinging knives at her. Her red ponytail was almost severed by one of them.

I began leaping across crates until I caught up with them, feeling like a giant superhero. I jumped down on the first, and I could feel his bones break underneath my feet. Almost felt good. But, without a moment to waste, and took his knife from him and chased after the other man. He changes direction from the woman. He knew.

I threw the knife I had with perfect aim at the guy's blade-carrying hand. He quickly came to a halt and screamed in pain. I smiled, proud of my badass-ery.

The woman I could see hiding around a corner. It was as if she was scared of me. I held out a warm hand. She walked towards me slowly. I could see she was wearing a large trench coat and a fedora-looking hat that cast a shadow over her face. Her hands were stuffed into her coat pockets.

"You're safe with me, ma'am," I tried to comfort her.

"Eh?" she sounded. She removed her hat to reveal her face. It was a guy. "I ain't no lady!" he said. He spoke with a Bronx kind of accent. His voice wasn't very deep, and it sort of caught me off guard. "Ah, bet you figured I was dame on account a' my girl-ish screaming."

I looked stunned. "I did think that."

"Yeah, well, brother..." he mumbled. He quickly put his hat back on. "Hope yous didn't get good a' look at this mug o' mine." I did. "Yous can call me Flambo." He raised a hand for a handshake. I noticed he was wearing gloves. Sneaky.

"Yes, Flambo, I've heard of you," I told him. His mouth was the only thing not hidden in his hat shadows, but just from that, I could tell he figured out I wanted him. "I'm Detective Finn Mertens. You're a suspect for the murder of one Mr. Earl Lemongrab."

Suspicion in his face turned to shock, and he quickly turned around and made a mad dash for a car that I didn't notice when I came in. Runners aren't new to me, and I run with Jake every morning to keep up my stamina. I quickly make chase, and am just out of arm's length in a matter of seconds. I jumped at Flambo, and tackled him to the ground.

"Please, please!" he cried. "I didn't do nothin' to no Earl!"

"Running doesn't exactly make you look innocent, pal. Now either tell me what you know about this murder here, or I punch your lights out!"

I raised my fist, and he shielded his face. "No, no! I'll tell yas what I know!"

"Great." I got off of him and helped him up.

"So what is it that yous wants to know, exactly? I gots all kinds of info," he asks me. Right now, all I really knew was the guy's name. But I couldn't let Flambo know that. I had to make him think there was almost nothing I didn't know. Put the pressure on.

"Nice try, guy. You're thinking of seeing what I know and then bending your story, so that nothing happens to you! Right?!"

"Geez, buddy, cool ya jets!" He raised his hands to his chest. "I'll tell you anything! Yous can trust Flambo!"

"Please," I spat, "I know all the tricks! Now tell me, what do you know about Lemongrab?"

"Not a bunch a' people know this," he whispered, "but Earl has always had a price on his head in the crime world, but never anywheres around Ooo. Some crime boss, I bet from another town somewheres, had someones come to Ooo and kill Lemonguy."

"Grab," I correct him. "Hmm..." I ponder. "Is this all you know?"

"I swears it, on my mother's grave, I tell ya."  
Flambo didn't flinch or stutter at all when he was explaining what he knew about Earl. Almost like he rehearsed it...

I decided to come back to try to gather more information on Flambo. The way things were now, I suspected Flambo far more than I did Marceline.

"You can go," I told Flambo. "But I'll be questioning you again this week."

"Yeah, sure thing man," he said almost sarcastically.

I glare at him, and then leave.

Lumps was the only suspect I hadn't talked to. To get to him, I figured I should talk to some other families, and slowly work my way up the crime ladder until I get to him. I head to the outskirts of Ooo, a place called the Grasslands, to talk to my old acquaintance, Donny.

Donny's hideout is hidden deep in the Grasslands. It has a secret entrance under a large, dumb-looking rock. The stairs go down into the ground, and you wouldn't think it was a hideout until, after a few minutes of walking, you encounter a door. On the other side are two bodyguards, called the Why-Wolves; nerdy looking fellows, who aren't too bad if you get to know them. But they don't take kindly to strangers.

I make my way to the underground door, and knock three times, then two, then another three, and then jiggle the locked door knob twice. That's the secret code that I set up with the Why-Wolves. They opened it, and seemed happy to see me.

"Mr. Donny's in his office," the one on the left tells me.

"Thanks." I walked forward into his office. His spun his chair around, I assumed to greet me. But, he just kept spinning around and around. When he finally stopped, he was leaning over in the chair, laughing. When he stopped that, he looked at me, inspected what I was wearing.

"Hey, Mertens," he chuckled, "nice outfit!" Another snicker. "NOT!" Then he busted out laughing again. I could hear the Why-Wolves complaining from outside the door.

"Donny, please," I said, shaking my head. "I'm going to be blunt here; I need to get to Lumps. And I want you to go me to him."

Suddenly becoming serious, Donny put his hands together and contemplated. Finally, he said, "Alright. But I want you to do something for me first." He pulled something out of a drawer in his desk and placed it in front of me. It was a little black orb, that had a faint green glow to it.

"What is this?" I asked him. I had never seen anything like it before. "Is it one of your dumb toys? A yo-yo, maybe?"

"I have no idea what this is, Mertens. But I want you to find out. Ever since my Why-Wolves found it and gave it to me, I've been having nightmares about a this big green... ogre like being. All he wears is a leaf to cover himself, and he frequently bullies a group of sentient houses. I've tried to get rid of this thing, but it always makes its way back to me."

I picked it up and examined it. "I'll see what I can do," I said. Then I walked out of his office, determined to figure out what this thing was. Because now, I was intrigued.

_To be continued in "Onward, Into Another World!"_

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**Author's Note: Here's one-shot #2! I hope you enjoyed it! And, you'll see more of Detectives Mertens In "Onward, Into Another World!" See you there!**


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